Randy Quaid + Charlie Sheen = Whaaaa?!?!?

So, what the hell is going on with Hollywood right now?  I hate making blanket statements like that (except that I don't) but there has been an outbreak of downright insanity circling several actors in the past weekish.

This is the face of Hollywood

I mean, I think we're all pretty used to the regular weird stories of Hollywood debauchery, what with all the cocaine and sodomy we've all been led to believe make up This American Dream of heading out West to "be in pictures", but this is ridiculous even by Hollywood standards.

Pictured:  the haggard face of drug addiction

For those of you living in a hole (England) the last week or so, here's the short version.  I'll start with Charlie Sheen because the insanity has a lower case "i".  Charlie Sheen started his Monday night as so many of us have, doing blow off a $12,000 hooker/porn star's ass in the bathroom of a fancy New York restaurant before things got crazy.  When he tried to, how shall I say...unleash the Wild Thing on her, she got fed up and asked for her cash before storming out.  That's enough for mere mortals but not this man:

Seriously, who didn't see this coming?

No, our friend Charlie comes flying (hopefully literally) out of the bathroom, naked of course, with cocaine all over his face.  When his ASSISTANT helped him back to the PLAZA FUCKING HOTEL he tried AGAIN to have sex with his "date" but she once again asked to be paid beforehand.

Where discerning cokeheads stay when in New York

Not only is this a savvy hooker we're talking about, making sure she gets paid first is only smart business, but I think it's fair to assume if a $12,000 hooker is making sure she gets paid cash up front, he wants something weird, gross, illegal or all 3.

just a guess

Anyway, Charlie goes looking for his wallet, and when he can't find it, he decided to look under the furniture in the room.

as quickly as possible

At this point, our intrepid hooker/pornstar/victim/hero locked herself in the bathroom and called the cops as Charlie began punching a wall while naked (again, really?) and screaming the n-word and I don't mean nads.

That's the word he was saying.  Also, Dick Gregory is an awesome writer and this is one of the best anti-racism autobiographies ever.  That was serious.

Did I mention that this was while his ex-wife and 2 small children were staying across the hall? And after he got his former sex symbol ex wife to take a picture with his whore?  Oh, and when the cops showed up, he didn't even violate his parole somehow, even though he admitted to being on cocaine?

Role Model, ladies and gents

Oh, and this just in, actual photos of his trashed hotel room.  He didn't even spend the night in jail for that shit.  If I came out of a restaurant bathroom naked, with coke all over my face I'm pretty sure I'd have to register with the state.  One of my favorite details is that his publicist said he had an adverse reaction to a prescription.  WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN'S DOCTOR?  PABLO ESCOBAR?

Maybe he's a time traveler

So, long story short, he's already back on the set of his other form of domestic abuse that he perpetrates against all of America on a weekly basis.

Domestic violence should not happen to anybody.  Seriously.

Wow, that was fun!  I don't think I've ever used that many pictures to tell a story.  I feel like a children's book author, but not one of the good ones like Shel Silverstein.  One of the crappy ones like those bastards that did see spot run.

How did they make this a movie?

Anywho, that was the more sane story from last week.  If you think you can stand it, I'd like to tell you a story of a man.  A simple man, in more ways than one, who was born to a good family.  A family of means who did their best to give their children everything they could want.  This family had two sons, and as they grew and began to get interested in going into the family business, this lovable manchild consistently found himself working in his brother's shadow.  This man, was:

Dennis Quaid.  Constantly being overlooked for his older brother Randy, Dennis devoted himself to his craft with a single minded intensity, eventually becoming an international sex symbol while his older brother and bane of his existence did some National Lampoon's movies.

I still see it when I close my eyes

But the fun part of this story starts like a year ago.  I don't remember and I'm too lazy to do the research.  Anyways, it was about that time that they were caught squatting in their house after defaulting on their mortgage.  I mean, that's understandable, though right?  These trying economic times have pulled even the best of us down a few pegs and a lot of people were forclosed on.  Even washed up Hollywood stars need to have somewhere to live.  The problem is, they hadn't lived in that house for like 20 years.  They told authorities it was to keep the new owners from "burning it down".  Hmm.  That's a little harder to defend, but it's always unnerving when someone you don't know is taking over a property you lived in...20 years ago.  But, there's a happy ending.  They posted bail and went on with their lives.  Hmm? What's that?  Oh, you must be asking about the incident the year before.  That was no big deal.  Sure, Eviumm...he..was...under mental distress from being kicked out of the Actors Equity Union for mentally and physically harassing other actors in 2008.

Hard to believe this guy is gross

Oh, you probably meant them fleeing for Canada and asking for asylum to escape the cabal of "star whackers" that are killing off celebrities like Heath Ledger and David Carradine.  You know, cuz Randy Quaid is generating so much income that the best way to deal with him is discredit and kill him to get his money.  Evi just had a warrant issued for her arrest and authorities believe extradition is imminent.  Jesus, can you even kind of believe anything I just wrote, because they do.

I leave this information in your hands because this is the kind of thing that if I don't get out of my head, I'll end up in Canada running from the Star Whackers.

One last thing.  Dan O'Brien has the definitive story about what's going on with the Quaids here.  Also, I hope everyone voted regardless of your political affiliation and I can't fucking wait to be done with the political adds.

Bon Chance motherfuckers!