Protein Shakes Won't Save You From the Zombie Apocalypse

So pretty much everyone knows that I've been running a lot lately.  I've kinda always hated running, you know, cuz it sucks.  I started running for fitness and have been steadily improving on speed and technique which is awesome because the zombie apocalypse is right around the corner.

Pictured: your immediate future

I've realized that as we slowly (but faster than you realize) head towards the end of the world on 12/12/12, and the zombie apocalypse is all but upon us, the only course of action is preparation.  Some may believe that the best course of action would be to train martial arts or lift a lot of weights or something, but let's be honest here: if you punch a zombie in the head, it'll just bite your hand.

At least you'd be an especially badass zombie

Also, what moves faster?  A Kenyan marathoner, or a body builder?  It's like that old joke, I don't have to outrun the zombie, I just have to outrun you.  Let's think about this rationally.  Everyone knows that zombies can't run.  28 Days Later is full of shit, zombies are dead bodies that are in differing states of decomposition.  Running on knees that are mostly bone isn't exactly fast.  Just ask any retired NFL running back.  In addition to this, huge amounts of muscle use a whole shitload of oxygen and make endurance a lot harder to gain.  Being overdeveloped in the post-apocalyptic wasteland does more than make you look like a douchbag, it's a death sentence.

Or it can do both.

Now, you may be asking yourself: Why are you sharing your survival technique with me?  If I start training I can be faster than you and then your plan backfires. First of all, that's a dick thing to say.  I'm trying to help you survive, to be your fucking friend in a cold, hostile world where everything you know is ruined and left to rot as you fight for the meager scraps left over in your local grocery and try to carve out a niche that will let you while away the hours awaiting the grim specter of death to finally take you to some peace without the constant threat of becoming just another casualty of the voracious horde of cannibalistic pseudo-humans lingering over you on a daily basis.  Second of all, the more of us that survive the first wave the better.  This country is so damn obese that it's not like there are going to be a lot of us left anyway, so we might as well share the information now, before the infrastructure is ruined and we have to rely on the roving biker gangs to share information about the last city they just pillaged and how they managed to survive.

Biker Gangs: the pony express of the post-apocalyptic world

Happy Halloween!