Protein Shakes Won't Save You From the Zombie Apocalypse

So pretty much everyone knows that I've been running a lot lately.  I've kinda always hated running, you know, cuz it sucks.  I started running for fitness and have been steadily improving on speed and technique which is awesome because the zombie apocalypse is right around the corner.

Pictured: your immediate future

I've realized that as we slowly (but faster than you realize) head towards the end of the world on 12/12/12, and the zombie apocalypse is all but upon us, the only course of action is preparation.  Some may believe that the best course of action would be to train martial arts or lift a lot of weights or something, but let's be honest here: if you punch a zombie in the head, it'll just bite your hand.

At least you'd be an especially badass zombie

Also, what moves faster?  A Kenyan marathoner, or a body builder?  It's like that old joke, I don't have to outrun the zombie, I just have to outrun you.  Let's think about this rationally.  Everyone knows that zombies can't run.  28 Days Later is full of shit, zombies are dead bodies that are in differing states of decomposition.  Running on knees that are mostly bone isn't exactly fast.  Just ask any retired NFL running back.  In addition to this, huge amounts of muscle use a whole shitload of oxygen and make endurance a lot harder to gain.  Being overdeveloped in the post-apocalyptic wasteland does more than make you look like a douchbag, it's a death sentence.

Or it can do both.

Now, you may be asking yourself: Why are you sharing your survival technique with me?  If I start training I can be faster than you and then your plan backfires. First of all, that's a dick thing to say.  I'm trying to help you survive, to be your fucking friend in a cold, hostile world where everything you know is ruined and left to rot as you fight for the meager scraps left over in your local grocery and try to carve out a niche that will let you while away the hours awaiting the grim specter of death to finally take you to some peace without the constant threat of becoming just another casualty of the voracious horde of cannibalistic pseudo-humans lingering over you on a daily basis.  Second of all, the more of us that survive the first wave the better.  This country is so damn obese that it's not like there are going to be a lot of us left anyway, so we might as well share the information now, before the infrastructure is ruined and we have to rely on the roving biker gangs to share information about the last city they just pillaged and how they managed to survive.

Biker Gangs: the pony express of the post-apocalyptic world

Happy Halloween!

Woe be to the Lobos

So, my Alma Mater is a giant piece of crap on the football field.  For some reason a couple of years ago they decided to hire a no name defensive coordinator from a 3rd rate Big Ten team.  That man's name was Mike Locksley.

Pictured: Failure

Since this tremendous douche came on board at UNM, they are an abysmal 1-17.  That's right, they've lost 17 of 18 games and most recently lost to in state rival NMSU, widely regarded as another of the worst schools in the nation.  In addition to this, he hit one of his assistant coaches and was accused of sexual harassment by his secretary BEFORE HIS FIRST GAME!  What the hell is wrong with the athletic department that they not only let this tard run the program after that, but when he went 1-11 they invited him back for another run at making the school look bad.  They could have fired him with cause and not had to pay him a dime!

I'm pretty sure this Locksley would have done a better coaching job.

I'm firmly convinced that if UNM doesn't fire the bumbling moron before the end of the season, they will have fundamentally ruined their football program for at least the next 5 years.  This year is a lost cause, and if they wait to hire a new coach until after the season, they will lose all credibility with recruits.  Therefore you are stuck with whatever this guy was able to get to commit at least until next recruiting season.  That's next season shot (3) and the following will be dedicated to getting everyone on board with the new system, and still stuck with middling people (4) so by waiting, we will end up starting to be respectable again sometime around 2015.  Way to go UNM athletic department, and bang up job Mike Locksley.

So, completely unrelated, one of my favorite new shows is really really depressing.  Basically, so far the moral of the story of Rubicon is that no matter how much you know or how hard you work, if you're not one of the people in power, you can't do shit to change things.

If anyone but me watched, they would realize this was strangely appropriate given the last episode.

I just finished watching the newest episode, and damn it if the finale isn't next week.  How the hell does that happen?  I went to the grocery store today, and they had an entire end cap dedicated to Thanksgiving baking.  Target has their Christmas stuff right next to the Halloween candy.  This time of year is fucked up!  It always moves too fast as it is, do we really need to cram everything together so that we're expected to buy everything all at once?  It's bad enough that all my fucking annual and bi-annual bills come due in October, now I have to start thinking about Christmas shopping and my wife's birthday and shit?  That's month's away.

Can I just say God bless you, you wonderful retards who make Jackass.  I am way too old to enjoy watching guys who are even older than me hitting each other in the nuts for an hour and a half, but damn it, I can't wait for Jackass 3-D.

Nothing about this picture isn't funny

Hello new TV season!

So today I spent some time getting reacquainted with an old friend of mine, TV.  As I'm sure you all know that the fall season is here, and with it all our best friends and lots of new ones to try out.  Of course, as usual most of the new shows are going to be huge steaming piles of rehashed crap.

Now, that's not to say all new shows are crap.  So far this year I've enjoyed Boardwalk Empire, Terriers, Louie, Rubicon, and I'm eagerly anticipating the new show on AMC about zombies, The Walking Dead.  The problem I'm running into is that all the best new shows are on about 3 channels.  AMC has Rubicon, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, and Mad Men, which everyone says I should be watching. HBO has Boardwalk Empire, True Blood which my wife loves, Bored to Death, and Eastbound and Down.  FX is the surprising dark horse in this surprising renaissance of television.  They have a surprisingly strong lineup including Terriers, Louie, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and apparently Sons of Anarchy all interspersed with abominations against God like Ghostrider, Wild Hogs and Hitman.  I'm kinda psyched that there are networks developing smart, character driven dramas. Especially ones where they can swear.

The disappointing and disgusting thing about this is that network TV can't even come close to this.  They are compelled to play it safe and have introduced such world changing TV this season as the new Hawaii Five-0 and Outsourced (or as I like to call it The Office in India, or Mismatched Ethnic Comedy 453)

He even looks like a lamer Jim

There are shows I love on network TV, Fox has The Simpsons, Fringe, and Family Guy (sometimes).  NBC has The Office, and 30 Rock which are solid even when they suck, and possibly the best new show on network TV last year, Community.  ABC is a vast wasteland better left unmentioned, but my parents swear Modern Family is worth checking out.  Honestly, CBS isn't much better, but at least it has Amazing Race.

Tangent:  My wife and I were watching Amazing Race last week and were shocked that there was no married couple on the show this year.  This got me thinking (always a dangerous thing) that maybe we should try out.  We have a really solid hook on this one so hear me out.  Not only are we a perfect fit in terms of age group, we can play the "last great adventure before we start a family" card.  On top of that we have an ace up our sleeve, we are an interracial couple.  BOOM!  That's pretty much a lock on any couple's reality show.  Even better, we're an unusual mix of races, Asian and Hispanic.  Also, my wife is hot, so the producers would be happy about that.

Back to my original point, network TV has shit the bed.  Cable used to be a joke, or at best a place to relegate the bad movies and reruns of Wings that couldn't be placed on regular TV.  By playing it safe, the networks have eroded their own product to the point that everything is just a variation on a theme at this point.  Breaking Bad tells the story of a man in a horrible situation who turns to making and selling meth to provide for his family, and doesn't make it a sob story or create a clear image of who is a good guy and who's a bad guy.  They're all just people dealing with shit.

It's hard to explain why, but this guy is the protagonist

Meanwhile, according to the ratings, the most popular show on TV is Dancing With the Stars, a show where people watch "stars"...dance.  I say "stars" because this season has David Hasselhoff and Bristol Palin.  What the fuck, America?  This is the best we can do?  What's compelling about this?  I am seriously asking, because I don't even kind of get it.

I guess, overall I'd say I'm encouraged that at least there's a place for these smart, deep shows that actually focus on creating characters you have feelings about that don't become caricatures of themselves after 2 seasons, but it's still distressing how bad network TV has gotten.  I know I don't have many readers, but nothing will change until we make them change.  Refuse to watch the garbage they put on.  Don't watch Steven Tyler and J-Lo on American Idol this year.  Instead let's focus on giving good shows their due.  Tune in for an episode of The Walking Dead when it premiers.  Let's show the networks you won't settle for garbage anymore.  Besides, do you really wanna look at this every week?

He looks like a zombie, but the ones on A&E eat brains

As always, visit my wife's Etsy shop here and thanks for your support.  Tell your friends if you don't think this sucks.  If you DO think this sucks, just keep it to your self.  

Gender roles and the modern age

I promised you an update on that really interesting logo I found for last week's blog.  Sorry to disappoint, but as the internet so often does, it totally made me think something cool was happening when really it sucked balls.  Just like that time the internet convinced me to watch "Jennifer's Body" on the premise that Megan Fox made out with that blonde chick from "Mama Mia"

Pictured above:  Garbage

Turns out the whole thing is a wanna be religion that only exists on the interwebs.  According to their web site they are an international organization dedicated to the perpetuation and realization of the Western Hermetic Tradition in this new era. Our work is to bring forth the Light of Our Predecessors, Our Mothers and Fathers in Gnosis, Who have perpetuated Truth through the Traditions of The Rosicrucian Order, The Ancient and Primitive Rite of the Egyptians, The Royal Art of the Alchemists, The Concealed Mysteries of the Kabbalists & The Apostolic Gnosis of Our beloved Lady Sofiazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Sorry, I put myself to sleep with their bullshit.  Long story short, these jackoffs can't get out of their own heads long enough to put together a cohesive creation story so you don't have to worry about what I found.  Damn.  I thought I was on the brink of finding a group who is privy to some divine truth, like the creators of "The Simpsons" and instead all I got was some self-fellating bullshit like the creators of "The Matrix".  But as usual, I kid.  The Matrix is fun if you get rid of the religious overtones and focus on the violence. 

This was #1 for "Matrix Violence", looks more like "Matrix Ballet"

So, those of you who have been reading me since the beginning (all 3 of you) know that up front I said that I won't be political and I won't talk about sensitive issues.  You also know I said I don't review my writings or look backward, so i might be wrong about that first thing.  

Remember? Safety dance.

I mention that so as to point out the fact that this isn't meant to be controversial, especially since it's not 1920 and women have had the right to vote for a few years now.  

I was reading an unbelievably interesting article on ESPN by a startlingly smart man named Gregg Easterbrook who writes a weekly feature during football season called Tuesday Morning Quarterback.  Check it out, it's the best football analysis you've ever read.  During the offseason he addressed the state of Title IX  in the NCAA.  What stuck out to me was the article he linked from Hanna Rosin in The Atlantic about how women are starting to dominate the world.  

According to Google images, you've got a ways to go, Ladies

This stuck out to me for a couple reasons.  First of all my sister just had a baby girl, so this is pertinent to her future, and second because I am a man who is surprisingly comfortable being pushed to the brink of extinction.

Like this, only way less badass

I don't mean to over state it, but let's face facts.  Testosterone levels have been dropping for decades, the Y chromosome is growing a tail and slowly becoming an X, female birthrates are up worldwide, and perhaps most importantly, we fucked things up so bad, even China is ready to let women run things for a while just to see how they do.

According to the article I linked above, for the first time people are actually trying to have girls instead of hoping for boys.  Somehow this makes sense to me, especially in America.  Women are the ones who give birth, they can make damn near equal livings now, they are allowed to wear pants, they're allowed to vote, and perhaps most importantly, they're allowed to drive.  

Once again, sorry ladies but Google hates you.

In all seriousness, women are getting closer and closer to not only being the majority (which they already are in terms of population) but to holding all the power politically.  Since we are less and less a society run on the sweat of men's backs and more a society based on intelligence and cooperation this makes way to much damn sense to ignore.  We aren't hunter/gatherers anymore, women can do everything men can do from an intellectual standpoint.  I feel like I'm being redundant, but how did people not see this coming?  I think it's sticking out to me more because in the grand scheme of things, this has happened with a retarded amount of speed.  It was less than 100 years ago that if a woman talked out of turn society thought nothing of a man giving her five across the eyes.

Maxwell house!?!?!?

Now, we have websites dedicated to male victims of spousal abuse.  This might be a bad example, but the point I'm trying to make is that the glass ceiling is no longer in place.  I am confident that not only does my niece have the opportunity grow up to be whatever she wants, she's more likely to get it than the boys that will be in her class.  

Of course, the downside of all this is that the human species will go extinct if things keep going this way.  at least until we get behind cloning.

AAHHHH!! The Matrix was right!

MMA and stuff

Hey Everyone!  I thought I'd start us out with probably the best submission I've ever seen ever.  It's from a  promotion called Bellator and it's performed by a fighter named Toby Imada.  Enjoy!


Ahhhhh, that's some high quality violence.  For those of you unfamiliar with mixed martial arts, that submission was known as an inverted reverse triangle choke.  Yeah, that doesn't happen every day.  I know that MMA may not be appreciated by everyone who reads this blog, and I feel that it may be my duty to educate people a little so they see it as more than a slightly regulated bar fight.

I'm not going to deny that MMA is a very violent, inherently dangerous sport.  Guess what?  So's football.  In fact, there are more severe long term consequences from sports like football and boxing than there are from MMA.  Concussions have taken the forefront in the conversations surrounding football recently and I, for one, am happy about that.  I love a bone jarring hit as much as the next guy, and lord knows I don't want to see it turn into touch football, but the lack of acknowledgement in the face of hard scientific evidence is downright sad.  It's to the point that in spite of the fact that several helmet manufacturers making "smart" helmets that reduce the risk of concussion and help prevent catastrophic brain injury.  In spite of this, the NFL doesn't mandate these helmets and basically looks the other way as far as brain injury goes.  Unlike a torn ACL, brain injury can't be resolved by surgery and can't be rehabbed away.

Moving back to my main point from a tangent, that's why I like MMA.  It's a full contact, strategic sport that engages 2 people in the most pure form of competition.  There are 4 ways to win, submission, knock out, referee stoppage and judges decision.  I know what you're saying, "if you can win by knock out isn't that just as bad for your brain?"  Shut up.  I can't hear you because you're reading this and talking to a blog makes you look crazy.  But the real answer is more complicated.  The largest dangers to boxers and football players are actually their current protection methods.  The current helmets in football and gloves in boxing increase the incidence of repetitive brain trauma.  These small, incremental traumas cause damage to the brain that result in cumulative knock outs.  Many scientists postulate that this is the reason so many retired football players and boxers sound "punchy" and it may account for the elevated incidence of Alzheimer's disease in these people.  Scientists also believe the four ounce gloves used in MMA mitigate most of these risks because instead of accumulating damage, the fighter is knocked out, preventing more severe injury.

I know that this sounds like apologist rhetoric, but let's be honest, how many boxers have we seen die in the ring?  How many stories do we hear about football players being crippled or killed due to spinal or head injuries every year?  MMA has been around for nearly 20 years.  Do you know how many deaths have occurred in that time span?  2.  One was due to a congenital defect in the guy's brain and when he got knocked out, he had an embolism.  The other one was a fighter who fought without commission approval after less than a week since a previous fight.  All I'm saying is don't judge it because it's "dangerous".  You can hate it for the violence, you can hate it for whatever, but there's no reason to make up reasons to hate it.  Sorry this wasn't funny, but I hate it when people shit on things they don't take the time to research or learn about.  Defend your position intelligently or shut the hell up.  I've linked a couple of articles below if you're curious about this topic, and please feel free to engage in intelligent discourse in the comments section.

Also, check out one of my favorite fighters, an incredibly talented Jiu-Jitsu player with great strikes.  He fights Charlie Valencia September 30th on his way to reclaim the bantamweight title.



miguel torres vs tapia
Uploaded by MMAGLORY. - Discover the latest sports and extreme videos.

You can also follow him on Twitter @migueltorresmma, he's one of the only people worth following, he's actually funny.

http://www.sherdog.com/news/r/Fistic-Medicine-Dementia-Pugilistica-amp-MMA-22581
http://mmajunkie.com/news/13647/ask-the-doc-dr-johnny-benjamin-on-mma-concussions-and-depression.mma
http://www.jssm.org/combat/1/18/v5combat-18.pdf

OK, now that I got that off my chest, we can get on to more...stuff.

I was watching a crapload of football over the past couple weekends and thank god it's back.  I LOVE watching football powerhouses lose to underdogs so watching Notre Dame get handled by Michigan and Michigan State in back to back weeks made me happy.  I also enjoyed watching a reeling VT squad lose to FCS James Madison.  That's what you get for naming your mascot after a made up word.  Seriously, this is what comes up when you google image search hokie:

That's right, but according to VT's own web site, the word Hokie has nothing to do with a turkey.  WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A TURKEY AS YOUR MASCOT THEN?!?!

Anyhoo, I don't remember this happening over the weekend, but Google doesn't lie

Wow, Ohio State has really gone away from tradition with the new uniforms.

On a happy note, the only team I care about in the NFL, the Chargers, actually won today.  Not only did they win, they steamrolled the immensely unpopular Jacksonville Jaguars Sunday.  Thank God.  Also, Philip Rivers didn't have to strangle his teammates, so good for them!

Is it bad that I'm glad Brett Favre is failing?  I mean he was a damn good QB in his time, but I'm pretty sure schadenfreude is a national pastime.  By the way that's one of my new favorite words.  I like how since we get bored with English we just appropriate these foreign languages and abuse their words for our own devices.  We can't even handle our own language without fucking up usage rules.  Seriously, people misuse the word "irony" so often it makes me literally vomit with rage.

My other favorite new word to use is zeitgeist.  I almost never get to use it, but holy crap is that a cool word.  It's kind of like poltergeist only way more awesome because it has a z and z's are inherently cool because they almost never show up to the party.  Way cooler than q's.  Q's always have to bring their friend u, and u suck.  Sorry, was that too long of a way to go for a joke?  Seriously, zeitgeist sounds like poltergeist, only without the poultry connotations which makes it infinitely more cool.  Wow, I am totally over-thinking this.

Probably can't live up to the coolness of the word

Quick question, should I pay $35 for a mustache themed 5k?  

I love the concept, but I'm not even sure they're giving t-shirts.  If you don't give me a t-shirt for running your race, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on, because you just charged me to run with a mustache.  I could have done that at home.

How the hell did we end up here?  Didn't I start this with MMA and football?  Jesus, I kind of went off there.  I'm gonna go to bed, so until next week enjoy my vitriol and psychosis.  I think those may be my words for the week next week.

HOLY SHIT! Vitriol is way more awesome than I thought.  #1 Google image

I'll research that picture and get back to you.  You deserve an explanation and I'm literally dumbfounded by that.

As always, make sure you visit my wonderful wife's Etsy shop, it's literally the best thing since they invented the lightbulb.  Hold on, they're telling me I've run that joke into the ground.  Sorry, just go to her shop.  It's seriously good.

The Clientele covers M.I.A.

This is awesome, it's like the 60's adopted a psycho Indian weed smoker.  I've never even thought about this being a psychedelic song, but hey whatever works.  Thanks go to AV club.  Visit them at http://www.avclub.com/.

More audible awesomeness, Neutral Milk Hotel covered by Swell Season.  I love when there's indie rock chemistry between two unrelated bands.  Although I do fear that just knowing who these bands are makes me a hipster.  Damn it.


The Swell Season covers Neutral Milk Hotel

Now that I've let some good music make sweet, sweet love your your ear holes, time to get to the rage.

Is it me or does the word "blog" sound like something you should be ashamed of?

"I have to go blog"
"dude, i totally didn't need to know that."

Seriously, is there any point you can try to make that Google image search can't make more clear for you?  

Seeing as how this is supposed to be me shitting on things that piss me off, I'm gonna talk to you a little today about crappy drivers.  I don't want to veer into hack comedian territory here.  

as if to prove my point, the number 1 google image for "hack comedian"

I mean I'm pretty damn sure everything that can be said on this subject has been.  People who drive faster than you are maniacs and the people who drive slower than you are mongoloids who should be sterilized to prevent their seed from polluting the earth...have I said too much?  

But seriously, what makes this so difficult for people to understand?  The speed limits are derived by civil engineers who use complicated formulas to determine what the safe speeds are for streets that maximize efficient travel through a city.  This is even more true on surface streets than it is on freeways and interstates.  if you go the speed limit eventually you will get through town without catching very many red lights, they plan it that way!  I swear I'm not just screwing with you, I have a buddy who's a civil engineer.  He hates his life.  That may or may not be related.  

The point I'm trying to make is that by speeding, all you are doing is fucking up the timing of the lights and making it harder for yourself to make it to your destination in a reasonable time.  As for you slow fuckers, go the speed limit.  Why are you intent on slowing everyone down?  I know from anecdotal evidence some of the people who drive painfully slow do it because they are physically incapable of going the speed limit.  My Grandpa drove far longer than he should and was probably legally blind for a large part of his driving career.  I'm not saying that makes it ok, far from it.  I think people over the age of 60 should be required to retake their driving test, both practical and written, annually.  And this is coming from a guy who took driver's ed in a bar!

if it was this classy, maybe I'd be a better driver

I'm not joking, I went to Chamisa school of driving in the Chamisa Inn bar.  If that sentence doesn't make you fear for your life, you are a braver person than I.  I'm sick of venting about this subject because I feel like this subject has been done to death.  Let's move on shall we?

In the world of things that make me happy and piss me off at the same time, football is back this weekend.  I love football.  The pure competition, the unbridled violence, unpredictable, fun fast, potentially game changing plays on every down.  I'll watch just about any football game you can provide me with over just about anything else on TV.  I'm a sports fan though, and I can't help but feel like the douchebag over analyzers are ruining the game a little for me. 

1st Google image search result for "douchbag announcer"

I watch as much football as I can any given Saturday and Sunday, I don't need to hear other people's opinions unless I ask for them.  This bullshit about in game analysis and op-ed pieces is grating.  Show me the fucking highlights and get the hell out of my way.  I don't care what Tony Dungy has to say about whether or not Peyton Manning is forcing his passes as a way to compensate because mama Manning loved Eli more.  

"which one is mom again?"

I blame the 24 hour news cycle.  God damn ESPN has to fill 24 hours 7 days a week and thus we get updates on how often Brett Favre mows his lawn and where Tom Brady got his Justin Bieber haircut.  Show me highlights, give me injury reports, give me previews and keep your opinions to your damn self unless I click on your links or ask you.  Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and nobody wants to hear what one has to say cuz they're all full of shit.  Wait, is that how that saying goes?

In Awesome news, the Chargers kickoff the season tomorrow in the late Monday night game against the Chiefs and if they don't win, I'll be super pissed off.  Thus is the dichotomy of football.  I love the game, but I get so pissed off when my team loses it's not even funny.  I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but the fact that they've never won a SuperBowl drives me nuts when you think about the badasses that played for them.  I started following the team when they were garbage, stuck with them through the ride to the SuperBowl when they got demolished by the insanely good 49ers, and even through the ryan leaf years.  That name stays uncapitalized

This is the face of human diarrhea

As usual at the start of the season, I'm cautiously optimistic.  Last year like half of the "experts" picked the Bolts to go to the big game, so I knew things wouldn't end well.  That's just how they roll.  But this year no one is picking them to get out of the first round of the playoffs and they are getting picked to win the west practically by default.  Hopefully that translates to less pressure and better play.  We'll see, but I'm going to do my best to temper my expectations and just take it one game at a time.  If the god awful D-backs have proven anything to me this season, it to just enjoy the games and remember that there's always next season.  Wait, someone just told me there might be a holdout or lockout and there might not be a 2011 season.  OH MY GOD, WE NEED TO WIN IT ALL THIS YEAR!!  

As always, visit my wife's shop, she's got awesome stuff and isn't angry like this dude I know.  http://www.stonepapermetal.etsy.com.  All proceeds go to help feed abandoned animals.  Kind of.  We have a dog we got at the pound, and it helps feed him, so it's still a good cause.  

Next week, I'll bitch about MMA and whatever else pisses me off.  

Wow, week in rage?  More like fortnight in rage, am i right?  Due to a whelming response for my last entry, i decided to post again about a week and a half ago, then I promptly proceeded to do nothing and sit on my ass and watch TV.  So what's pissing me off today you ask?  Well, let me tell you in an easy to read, poorly thought out, stream of consciousness piece of literary diarrhea. 

Why all the fat kids, America?

As I probably stated when I started this little self-indulgent piece of tripe (I don't remember if i actually did or not, and I don't look back because you're either a shark, or a sheep and sharks don't look back because sharks don't have necks. 

"Don't you worry about blank, let me worry about blank."

What I'm trying to say is I'm too lazy to proofread, and far to lazy to actually look back at my previous posts and see what I said.) I have a lot of rage issues and I've decided that there are far too many fat children running around these days. 

Surprisingly, I don't blame the little tubs of goo.  Usually, when a kid is fat it's because the parents have spent the last bunch of years cramming ho-hos and ding-dongs and other hyphenated deliciousness into their cry holes in an effort to substitute calories for love.  Don't get me wrong, i wasn't exactly the paragon of waifish child modeling exemplified by American Apparel, but I also never had to wear "husky" pants.  It pisses me off that parents are lazy enough to jeopardize their children's health, self image, popularity (unfortunately this is affected by weight), future job prospects, and in the case of their boys the ability to see their own penis.  We'll address these all point by point in the next segment.

Welcome back!  It's not a secret that being overweight can cause health problems ranging from diabetes to death from diabetes.  This is a serious problem and it's even affecting our nation's dogs in horrifying ways.  Gross.  Really though, everyone knows that being overweight can cause everything from heart attacks to stokes, to depression, to just about anything bad you can think of.  This pisses me off because kids eat pretty much whatever their parents let them eat and nothing else.  If your options are "eat right or starve" eventually, you'll eat right to stave off death.  I always thought this was part of why people had kids, it's an opportunity to have a little you that you can dress up however you want and make do things.  Like Homer said "kids are great, you can teach them to hate what you hate."  Then again, maybe the problem is I take my parenting advice from "The Simpsons".  Thank God I only have a dog.  I better not get diabetes. 

But why can't parents keep their kids from getting fat?  I contend it's laziness.  It's a hell of a lot easier to feed your kids crap and plunk them in front of the Xbox than it is to encourage them to play outside and eat a fucking carrot once in a while.  In 20 years this country will be (even more) filled with fat asses who haven't shat in 10 years due to a lack of fiber.  That reminds me, once I went to Famous Dave's to have some delicious bbq.  I needed to visit the facilities and there was a gentleman at the urinal so I thought I'd just pee in the stall.  I looked in the bowl and was greeted by the largest turd I've ever seen.  It was so big that when I say "greeted" I mean the damn thing stood up and waved.  It was so big it was sentient and, I believe, malevolent.

like this, only evil

I tried flushing it, but it was soooo big the water rushed over it like some kind of demented reverse log-flume ride where the water moves but the log is fixed.  I abandoned the bathroom, preferring to hold it rather than risk angering Turdnocchio by peeing on him. 

On to self image. It's no secret that pretty much everyone in our country is uncomfortable with their body.  We, as a culture, are vacuous enough that we worship people more for what they look like than what they do.  Kim Kardashian is considered a "real" woman.  Really, REALLY?!?!  What's real about her?  Her fake ass reality show, or her fake ass personality?  She's famous for having a huge ass, plain and simple. 

That's the first Google image search result.  Jesus Christ, people consider her a "real" woman.  The average dress size in America is 14, I don't think that's what she wears. 

My point is people feel bad for being fat and letting your kids be fat is setting them up for depression.  This is more a societal thing, and don't get me wrong, I think it's more fucked up to make people feel bad for being fat than just about anything and kids should be healthy for the sake of being healthy, not because they want to look like Kate Moss.

I'm skipping the popularity listed above, same shit as the last paragraph, and it still won't flush.

Job prospects.  Let's be real, you're not supposed to discriminate based on weight, and that's a legal thing.  But as a former hiring manager, when someone really overweight applies for a job, especially one that requires a lot of anything physical or client facing, you kinda start looking for an excuse to not hire them.  It's not personal and there are exceptions, but overall you worry they'll be lazy and have a hard time standing for extended periods of time without fracturing an ankle.  I kid cuz I love.  But seriously, you do worry about the physical aspects and it's hard to reconcile that fact no matter how bright they are. 

As far as being able to see your own dong goes, how can any man who needs a mirror to see where they're aiming to piss feel good about himself?

Sorry fat kids, next summer join the track team instead of the nothing team.

Seriously, Fuck Politicians

Everyone bitches about politicians and I'm no exception.  My problem with them is that there are no leaders in the political arena that make a lick of god damn sense.  They are all either raving conservative nutjobs that are convinced that the democrats are going to depopulate the country via forced abortion and bankrupt all people with tax hikes, or liberal nutjobs that are convinced the Republicans are going to shoot everything and make everyone stop learning evolution.  What makes this worse is the fact that both sides are completely full of shit and only posturing to get the damn votes needed to get them in the cushy jobs in the first place.  These guys and gals are all college graduates, usually in law or business or something else that does a good job teaching them how to manipulate people.  They prey on the basest instincts of us all to get us to vote for them, telling us they are "doing God's work" or "fighting for change" or "not a Washington insider".  To be honest with you, I'd rather have a Washington insider that is honest and willing to do what's best for their state than an outsider just looking to get in.  An insider actually knows how shit works, that's why these old jackoffs stay in office so long, they know what it takes. 

My personal politics and beliefs in this context don't matter.  All politicians are full of shit and nothing is ever going to change for the better until the majority of Americans, the non-fringe sane people who are too quiet to stand up and state their beliefs are represented.  I have a strong belief that the majority of people in this country are rational, intelligent, humane beings that fundamentally want what's best for everyone.  These "non-douches" as I call them are consistently overlooked by both parties because of the fringe jackasses that won't shut the hell up and have an intelligent discussion.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease and the rest of us get marginalized. 

Let's play a role playing game.  Pretend you're a politician who's just starting out.  You want to make sure you get elected to public office and really make a difference and help make things better.  Pretty fucking quickly you realize doing this shit's expensive and if you want to have a chance you better join a major party.  The problem is that the major parties already have plenty of people who want public office, so if you want to represent them you better drink the party Kool-Aid

No new taxes!

So pretty soon you're spouting off about whatever your party believes in finding you get the biggest applause when you appeal to your party's basest instincts, so like any good performer, you keep doing that.  Next thing you know you're on your way to Senator!

I don't know shit about politics, but I watch a lot of TV and I refuse to believe people are really getting that dumb on both sides of the spectrum.  Let's be rational, not emotional, and vote based on what we think is going to help this country more in the long run.  Knee jerk reactions are never a good thing when it comes to trillion dollar debt and a trainwreck economy.  The only way out of this is intelligent discourse and sound planning.  Let's try that for a few years and see what happens.

I don't want this to be preachy so I'm gonna stop there and remind you to visit my wife's Etsy shop.  She makes nice things and she's nowhere near as angry as I am.

Thanks, blog people and leave comments below that I'll never read.