Monday, October 18, 2010

Protein Shakes Won't Save You From the Zombie Apocalypse


So pretty much everyone knows that I've been running a lot lately.  I've kinda always hated running, you know, cuz it sucks.  I started running for fitness and have been steadily improving on speed and technique which is awesome because the zombie apocalypse is right around the corner.
Pictured: your immediate future
I've realized that as we slowly (but faster than you realize) head towards the end of the world on 12/12/12, and the zombie apocalypse is all but upon us, the only course of action is preparation.  Some may believe that the best course of action would be to train martial arts or lift a lot of weights or something, but let's be honest here: if you punch a zombie in the head, it'll just bite your hand.
At least you'd be an especially badass zombie

Also, what moves faster?  A Kenyan marathoner, or a body builder?  It's like that old joke, I don't have to outrun the zombie, I just have to outrun you.  Let's think about this rationally.  Everyone knows that zombies can't run.  28 Days Later is full of shit, zombies are dead bodies that are in differing states of decomposition.  Running on knees that are mostly bone isn't exactly fast.  Just ask any retired NFL running back.  In addition to this, huge amounts of muscle use a whole shitload of oxygen and make endurance a lot harder to gain.  Being overdeveloped in the post-apocalyptic wasteland does more than make you look like a douchbag, it's a death sentence.

Or it can do both.
Now, you may be asking yourself: Why are you sharing your survival technique with me?  If I start training I can be faster than you and then your plan backfires. First of all, that's a dick thing to say.  I'm trying to help you survive, to be your fucking friend in a cold, hostile world where everything you know is ruined and left to rot as you fight for the meager scraps left over in your local grocery and try to carve out a niche that will let you while away the hours awaiting the grim specter of death to finally take you to some peace without the constant threat of becoming just another casualty of the voracious horde of cannibalistic pseudo-humans lingering over you on a daily basis.  Second of all, the more of us that survive the first wave the better.  This country is so damn obese that it's not like there are going to be a lot of us left anyway, so we might as well share the information now, before the infrastructure is ruined and we have to rely on the roving biker gangs to share information about the last city they just pillaged and how they managed to survive.

Biker Gangs: the pony express of the post-apocalyptic world
Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Woe be to the Lobos

So, my Alma Mater is a giant piece of crap on the football field.  For some reason a couple of years ago they decided to hire a no name defensive coordinator from a 3rd rate Big Ten team.  That man's name was Mike Locksley.

Pictured: Failure
Since this tremendous douche came on board at UNM, they are an abysmal 1-17.  That's right, they've lost 17 of 18 games and most recently lost to in state rival NMSU, widely regarded as another of the worst schools in the nation.  In addition to this, he hit one of his assistant coaches and was accused of sexual harassment by his secretary BEFORE HIS FIRST GAME!  What the hell is wrong with the athletic department that they not only let this tard run the program after that, but when he went 1-11 they invited him back for another run at making the school look bad.  They could have fired him with cause and not had to pay him a dime!

I'm pretty sure this Locksley would have done a better coaching job.
I'm firmly convinced that if UNM doesn't fire the bumbling moron before the end of the season, they will have fundamentally ruined their football program for at least the next 5 years.  This year is a lost cause, and if they wait to hire a new coach until after the season, they will lose all credibility with recruits.  Therefore you are stuck with whatever this guy was able to get to commit at least until next recruiting season.  That's next season shot (3) and the following will be dedicated to getting everyone on board with the new system, and still stuck with middling people (4) so by waiting, we will end up starting to be respectable again sometime around 2015.  Way to go UNM athletic department, and bang up job Mike Locksley.

So, completely unrelated, one of my favorite new shows is really really depressing.  Basically, so far the moral of the story of Rubicon is that no matter how much you know or how hard you work, if you're not one of the people in power, you can't do shit to change things.
If anyone but me watched, they would realize this was strangely appropriate given the last episode.
I just finished watching the newest episode, and damn it if the finale isn't next week.  How the hell does that happen?  I went to the grocery store today, and they had an entire end cap dedicated to Thanksgiving baking.  Target has their Christmas stuff right next to the Halloween candy.  This time of year is fucked up!  It always moves too fast as it is, do we really need to cram everything together so that we're expected to buy everything all at once?  It's bad enough that all my fucking annual and bi-annual bills come due in October, now I have to start thinking about Christmas shopping and my wife's birthday and shit?  That's month's away.

Can I just say God bless you, you wonderful retards who make Jackass.  I am way too old to enjoy watching guys who are even older than me hitting each other in the nuts for an hour and a half, but damn it, I can't wait for Jackass 3-D.
Nothing about this picture isn't funny

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Hello new TV season!

So today I spent some time getting reacquainted with an old friend of mine, TV.  As I'm sure you all know that the fall season is here, and with it all our best friends and lots of new ones to try out.  Of course, as usual most of the new shows are going to be huge steaming piles of rehashed crap.

Now, that's not to say all new shows are crap.  So far this year I've enjoyed Boardwalk Empire, Terriers, Louie, Rubicon, and I'm eagerly anticipating the new show on AMC about zombies, The Walking Dead.  The problem I'm running into is that all the best new shows are on about 3 channels.  AMC has Rubicon, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, and Mad Men, which everyone says I should be watching. HBO has Boardwalk Empire, True Blood which my wife loves, Bored to Death, and Eastbound and Down.  FX is the surprising dark horse in this surprising renaissance of television.  They have a surprisingly strong lineup including Terriers, Louie, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and apparently Sons of Anarchy all interspersed with abominations against God like Ghostrider, Wild Hogs and Hitman.  I'm kinda psyched that there are networks developing smart, character driven dramas. Especially ones where they can swear.

The disappointing and disgusting thing about this is that network TV can't even come close to this.  They are compelled to play it safe and have introduced such world changing TV this season as the new Hawaii Five-0 and Outsourced (or as I like to call it The Office in India, or Mismatched Ethnic Comedy 453)
He even looks like a lamer Jim
There are shows I love on network TV, Fox has The Simpsons, Fringe, and Family Guy (sometimes).  NBC has The Office, and 30 Rock which are solid even when they suck, and possibly the best new show on network TV last year, Community.  ABC is a vast wasteland better left unmentioned, but my parents swear Modern Family is worth checking out.  Honestly, CBS isn't much better, but at least it has Amazing Race.

Tangent:  My wife and I were watching Amazing Race last week and were shocked that there was no married couple on the show this year.  This got me thinking (always a dangerous thing) that maybe we should try out.  We have a really solid hook on this one so hear me out.  Not only are we a perfect fit in terms of age group, we can play the "last great adventure before we start a family" card.  On top of that we have an ace up our sleeve, we are an interracial couple.  BOOM!  That's pretty much a lock on any couple's reality show.  Even better, we're an unusual mix of races, Asian and Hispanic.  Also, my wife is hot, so the producers would be happy about that.

Back to my original point, network TV has shit the bed.  Cable used to be a joke, or at best a place to relegate the bad movies and reruns of Wings that couldn't be placed on regular TV.  By playing it safe, the networks have eroded their own product to the point that everything is just a variation on a theme at this point.  Breaking Bad tells the story of a man in a horrible situation who turns to making and selling meth to provide for his family, and doesn't make it a sob story or create a clear image of who is a good guy and who's a bad guy.  They're all just people dealing with shit.
It's hard to explain why, but this guy is the protagonist
Meanwhile, according to the ratings, the most popular show on TV is Dancing With the Stars, a show where people watch "stars"...dance.  I say "stars" because this season has David Hasselhoff and Bristol Palin.  What the fuck, America?  This is the best we can do?  What's compelling about this?  I am seriously asking, because I don't even kind of get it.

I guess, overall I'd say I'm encouraged that at least there's a place for these smart, deep shows that actually focus on creating characters you have feelings about that don't become caricatures of themselves after 2 seasons, but it's still distressing how bad network TV has gotten.  I know I don't have many readers, but nothing will change until we make them change.  Refuse to watch the garbage they put on.  Don't watch Steven Tyler and J-Lo on American Idol this year.  Instead let's focus on giving good shows their due.  Tune in for an episode of The Walking Dead when it premiers.  Let's show the networks you won't settle for garbage anymore.  Besides, do you really wanna look at this every week?

He looks like a zombie, but the ones on A&E eat brains
As always, visit my wife's Etsy shop here and thanks for your support.  Tell your friends if you don't think this sucks.  If you DO think this sucks, just keep it to your self.