As has become the norm while I type this self indulgent nonsense, I'm spending another Saturday night watching men beat the everloving crap out of one another while I have a beer.
Pictured: My typical Saturday night
Tonight we're running a double feature, HBO's Boxing After Dark and Bellator 46. By the way, as I'm watching BAD first, the intro to this show is now some ridiculous short form movie that's somewhat reminiscent of Rocky III only without the pathos.
What the BAD intro is missing, apparently. What the fuck, Google?
Anyway, did you know that walking corpse Larry Merchant is not only still alive, but is still providing rambling incoherent commentary and poorly thought out post fight interviews? This, in my humble opinion, is the greatest crime against humanity since the Rape of Nanking.
Notice the lack of soul in his eyes. He's smiling because he just drowned a kitten.
Wikipedia tells us that this incompetent old douche was born in 1931, meaning that at present, the human stain is 80 FUCKING YEARS OLD! No wonder he doesn't make sense half the time and the other half he's busy shitting himself. He literally just called the state of Missouri fat. His conception of race relations is as stunted as Peter Dinklage.
Get it! Seriously though, watch Game of Thrones, he's awesome.
Oscar de la Hoya asked for this old bastard to be fired for talking shit about mariachi music. Considering the fact that about 90% of the global boxing audience is Hispanic, this might have been a bad move. The Grand Wizard must have invoked his dark master, because not only did he save his job, but he got a contract extension in 2005 to go through 2007. On top of that, HBO picked up his contract option for multiple years after that. He's so bad at commentating that he forgets that he's talking halfway through the statement. The only thing he slanders worse than minorities is the english language. If Jim Lampley has to carry his corpse any further, he's going to qualify for workman's comp. He literally tried to just use the weather to draw an analogy that was so bad that I think Roy Jones Jr. just caught cancer from it. He's bad, is what I'm trying to say.
The only explanation I have for this atrocity is that HBO is operating under the "there's no such thing as bad press" philosophy, because there's no goddamn way I'm the only person who thinks Larry Merchant is about 35 years past his prime.
I've gotta tell you, it feels like I've vented about all this shit before, but you know the motto by now:
Safety Dance!
I don't read my own work, so if this is a rerun, my bad. Although it could just be that I've bitched about this to anyone who I watch boxing with to the point that this feels familiar to me. Astonishingly, Merchant sounds a little more lucid than normal tonight. Remember, lucid doesn't mean sane, I still think he's in his own reality. You know what's awesome about how far television technology has come? watching fight highlights in slow motion. They just slowed a combo in slow motion that made a dude's face look like a shar pei shaking.
Yep, just like that but with more sweat and less cuteness.
Digital video has made it so you can capture those incredibly small moments in time in incredible detail. Everything from a batter hitting a ball, to a knock out punch can now be analyzed by the millisecond without any loss in fidelity because you're not constrained by framerate. What a fantastic and frivolous use of technology. God bless America.
I think I just figured it out. Larry Merchant is the Larry King of boxing. Neither knew when to hang it up, and they waited until they were so out of touch that someone else had to say "I think you should spend more time with your family".
Hey, here's some cool shit I think people should check out. First up is something AVClub linked on their page:
shortly after learning about that, a friend directed me to this:
Also, as part of my ongoing effort to expand the mindshare of AVClub's Undercover project, here are 3 of the best, that also happen to be 3 of the most recent. Surfer Blood's cover of the Pixies is particularly good.
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