Wow, week in rage?  More like fortnight in rage, am i right?  Due to a whelming response for my last entry, i decided to post again about a week and a half ago, then I promptly proceeded to do nothing and sit on my ass and watch TV.  So what's pissing me off today you ask?  Well, let me tell you in an easy to read, poorly thought out, stream of consciousness piece of literary diarrhea. 

Why all the fat kids, America?

As I probably stated when I started this little self-indulgent piece of tripe (I don't remember if i actually did or not, and I don't look back because you're either a shark, or a sheep and sharks don't look back because sharks don't have necks. 

"Don't you worry about blank, let me worry about blank."

What I'm trying to say is I'm too lazy to proofread, and far to lazy to actually look back at my previous posts and see what I said.) I have a lot of rage issues and I've decided that there are far too many fat children running around these days. 

Surprisingly, I don't blame the little tubs of goo.  Usually, when a kid is fat it's because the parents have spent the last bunch of years cramming ho-hos and ding-dongs and other hyphenated deliciousness into their cry holes in an effort to substitute calories for love.  Don't get me wrong, i wasn't exactly the paragon of waifish child modeling exemplified by American Apparel, but I also never had to wear "husky" pants.  It pisses me off that parents are lazy enough to jeopardize their children's health, self image, popularity (unfortunately this is affected by weight), future job prospects, and in the case of their boys the ability to see their own penis.  We'll address these all point by point in the next segment.

Welcome back!  It's not a secret that being overweight can cause health problems ranging from diabetes to death from diabetes.  This is a serious problem and it's even affecting our nation's dogs in horrifying ways.  Gross.  Really though, everyone knows that being overweight can cause everything from heart attacks to stokes, to depression, to just about anything bad you can think of.  This pisses me off because kids eat pretty much whatever their parents let them eat and nothing else.  If your options are "eat right or starve" eventually, you'll eat right to stave off death.  I always thought this was part of why people had kids, it's an opportunity to have a little you that you can dress up however you want and make do things.  Like Homer said "kids are great, you can teach them to hate what you hate."  Then again, maybe the problem is I take my parenting advice from "The Simpsons".  Thank God I only have a dog.  I better not get diabetes. 

But why can't parents keep their kids from getting fat?  I contend it's laziness.  It's a hell of a lot easier to feed your kids crap and plunk them in front of the Xbox than it is to encourage them to play outside and eat a fucking carrot once in a while.  In 20 years this country will be (even more) filled with fat asses who haven't shat in 10 years due to a lack of fiber.  That reminds me, once I went to Famous Dave's to have some delicious bbq.  I needed to visit the facilities and there was a gentleman at the urinal so I thought I'd just pee in the stall.  I looked in the bowl and was greeted by the largest turd I've ever seen.  It was so big that when I say "greeted" I mean the damn thing stood up and waved.  It was so big it was sentient and, I believe, malevolent.

like this, only evil

I tried flushing it, but it was soooo big the water rushed over it like some kind of demented reverse log-flume ride where the water moves but the log is fixed.  I abandoned the bathroom, preferring to hold it rather than risk angering Turdnocchio by peeing on him. 

On to self image. It's no secret that pretty much everyone in our country is uncomfortable with their body.  We, as a culture, are vacuous enough that we worship people more for what they look like than what they do.  Kim Kardashian is considered a "real" woman.  Really, REALLY?!?!  What's real about her?  Her fake ass reality show, or her fake ass personality?  She's famous for having a huge ass, plain and simple. 

That's the first Google image search result.  Jesus Christ, people consider her a "real" woman.  The average dress size in America is 14, I don't think that's what she wears. 

My point is people feel bad for being fat and letting your kids be fat is setting them up for depression.  This is more a societal thing, and don't get me wrong, I think it's more fucked up to make people feel bad for being fat than just about anything and kids should be healthy for the sake of being healthy, not because they want to look like Kate Moss.

I'm skipping the popularity listed above, same shit as the last paragraph, and it still won't flush.

Job prospects.  Let's be real, you're not supposed to discriminate based on weight, and that's a legal thing.  But as a former hiring manager, when someone really overweight applies for a job, especially one that requires a lot of anything physical or client facing, you kinda start looking for an excuse to not hire them.  It's not personal and there are exceptions, but overall you worry they'll be lazy and have a hard time standing for extended periods of time without fracturing an ankle.  I kid cuz I love.  But seriously, you do worry about the physical aspects and it's hard to reconcile that fact no matter how bright they are. 

As far as being able to see your own dong goes, how can any man who needs a mirror to see where they're aiming to piss feel good about himself?

Sorry fat kids, next summer join the track team instead of the nothing team.

Seriously, Fuck Politicians

Everyone bitches about politicians and I'm no exception.  My problem with them is that there are no leaders in the political arena that make a lick of god damn sense.  They are all either raving conservative nutjobs that are convinced that the democrats are going to depopulate the country via forced abortion and bankrupt all people with tax hikes, or liberal nutjobs that are convinced the Republicans are going to shoot everything and make everyone stop learning evolution.  What makes this worse is the fact that both sides are completely full of shit and only posturing to get the damn votes needed to get them in the cushy jobs in the first place.  These guys and gals are all college graduates, usually in law or business or something else that does a good job teaching them how to manipulate people.  They prey on the basest instincts of us all to get us to vote for them, telling us they are "doing God's work" or "fighting for change" or "not a Washington insider".  To be honest with you, I'd rather have a Washington insider that is honest and willing to do what's best for their state than an outsider just looking to get in.  An insider actually knows how shit works, that's why these old jackoffs stay in office so long, they know what it takes. 

My personal politics and beliefs in this context don't matter.  All politicians are full of shit and nothing is ever going to change for the better until the majority of Americans, the non-fringe sane people who are too quiet to stand up and state their beliefs are represented.  I have a strong belief that the majority of people in this country are rational, intelligent, humane beings that fundamentally want what's best for everyone.  These "non-douches" as I call them are consistently overlooked by both parties because of the fringe jackasses that won't shut the hell up and have an intelligent discussion.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease and the rest of us get marginalized. 

Let's play a role playing game.  Pretend you're a politician who's just starting out.  You want to make sure you get elected to public office and really make a difference and help make things better.  Pretty fucking quickly you realize doing this shit's expensive and if you want to have a chance you better join a major party.  The problem is that the major parties already have plenty of people who want public office, so if you want to represent them you better drink the party Kool-Aid

No new taxes!

So pretty soon you're spouting off about whatever your party believes in finding you get the biggest applause when you appeal to your party's basest instincts, so like any good performer, you keep doing that.  Next thing you know you're on your way to Senator!

I don't know shit about politics, but I watch a lot of TV and I refuse to believe people are really getting that dumb on both sides of the spectrum.  Let's be rational, not emotional, and vote based on what we think is going to help this country more in the long run.  Knee jerk reactions are never a good thing when it comes to trillion dollar debt and a trainwreck economy.  The only way out of this is intelligent discourse and sound planning.  Let's try that for a few years and see what happens.

I don't want this to be preachy so I'm gonna stop there and remind you to visit my wife's Etsy shop.  She makes nice things and she's nowhere near as angry as I am.

Thanks, blog people and leave comments below that I'll never read.

Hello Blogophere

So, this is my first foray into the world of blogging and as the title of this thing might imply, I mostly intend to use this to bitch about just about everything you can imagine. If something seems charmingly anachronistic, I assure you it's only because my apathy is so great that most pop culture bullshit stays off my radar for a surprisingly long time. I credit Joel McHale and "The Soup" for just about any understanding I may have about the world around me. I find that for the most part this is for the better. Often times it takes me more than a half an hour to watch that show just because I'm so busy yelling at the screen about whatever brain dead retard is on Jersey Shore or Toddlers in Tiaras that I miss the joke. This won't just be rage about what I hate, although that could be my topic for years. I also intend to share my rage about the things I actually do like either selling out or not being recognized for their greatness. I kid about the selling out part, because as anyone who knows me could tell you I'd be the first one to sell out given the opportunity. As a salesperson, I'm more than willing to hawk the vendor who is currently giving me the best shit. I'm totally for sale, so why would I begrudge my favorite artists the same opportunity? Artistic integrity? Poppycock. Anyone who says they wouldn't sell out because they're in it for the art never had to starve for their art. Even DaVinci had fucking sponsors.

I just realized that's like the longest run on paragraph ever, but another thing you should beware of is the fact that I'm typing this on an iPad (buy Lenovo) so trying to control my grammar settings is a pain in the ass. If you don't like it tough shit. Or buy me a notebook. I'm too cheap to do that and would, quite frankly, rather have you suffer than me spend money. Seriously, I would. Ask anyone who knows me. I'm just that cheap. I'm so cheap I only eat fast food when I have a coupon. I'm so cheap I got married for the rice. I'm so cheap my sister got me a money clip with a Yiddish saying on it, and we aren't Jewish. I hope this gives you a sample of the simmering rage lurking behind blue eyes. Or in my case brown. I'll do my best to update this at least weekly, more if something is really pissing me off. Also, check out my wife's blog, it's much more positive than this, and better laid out, and it has more pictures. But she's the artist, I'm just the angry kid who lives with her. Http://www.stonepapermetal.bloodspot.com

That's troubling. Instead of bloodspot, my iPad put in bloodspot. Beware the impending machine uprising and check out my wife's blog here http://www.stonepapermetal.blogspot.com enjoy!

TOODLES!!