Happy Mother's Day!

The zero people who read this blog know that I don't live in the same state as my family, so this year for Mother's Day I decided it would be cool to come visit and see my mom.  This is the first time in several years that I've been able to visit, and it works very well.  I can see my niece and the 2 moms that are most important to me.  Additionally, I got a chance to see a few good friends and hang out for the first time in months.  Homecomings are always a little melancholy, it's great to see friends and family, but by the same token I can't help but feel disappointed in my hometown.  Some people are comforted when the go back to their hometown and nothing has changed.  There's something comforting about knowing that some things don't change, but when your hometown is known for being an economically depressed, drug riddled, backwater, it's hard to be enthusiastic.  I can't help but feel like the area I grew up in has more in common with Harlan County on the the show Justified than anything else.

The point of this isn't to bitch about where I grew up.  I'm just in a bad mood and it's easier to shit on things than to actually try to cheer up.  I'm still coping with my shit poorly and I'm frustrated by it.  There's so much that I don't understand.  I don't understand why things happen the way they do, and I've always tried to learn from everything in life whether it's good or bad.  I can't find the lesson right now.  It seems like the lesson is try hard, be good, get fucked over anyway.  I'm being purposefully vague because I'm not talking about any one situation.  

What's really pissing me off right now is that I know on an intellectual level that things aren't that bad.  I have a supportive family, great friends, I'm gainfully employed and overall life is treating me pretty good.  Emotionally, I can't reconcile what's actually happening with how I feel.  I feel marginalized, but can't pinpoint why.  I'm irrationally pissed off at people who I have no reason to feel anything but love for.  I'm distrustful of anything complimentary, and none of this is healthy. My therapist assures me that all this is natural, and the lows will get less intense and eventually I'll even out.  I believe her, but at the same time getting better in the future doesn't do shit for me right now.  

They say nothing worth doing is ever easy and I tend to agree with that.  Also, I've always said that growth only comes from discomfort, whether it's physical or emotional.  If both of those things are true, I'm due for an epiphany that will make me some kind of bodhisattva when all this bullshit is over.

I'll be like this, but with a better tan.

You know who kicks ass?  Metric.  I don't know why, but all of a sudden I'm all about Metric and I can't stop listening to them.  Thanks Spotify!  Well, I hope my mom doesn't read this on Mother's Day, this isn't exactly a happy, or well written, trainwreck.  In a last ditch effort to make this happier, I provide for you 2 of the most recent, and entirely awesome Undercovers from the AVClub.  

First up we're gonna go with Nada Surf covering New Order.  I'm not a new order fan, but this is a fan-fucking-tastic cover.  Take a gander:

Nada Surf covers New Order

And now, one of my favorite numbers they've ever had on the AVClub.  It's a very novel idea, a bluegrass band called Trampled by Turtles (love the name) covering an amazing band in Arcade Fire.  Enjoy:



Trampled By Turtles covers Arcade Fire

Call your mom, tell you that you love her.  Don't worry about me, I'll suck it up and get over it eventually...Probably.

Someone Call the Exterminator

It'll come as no surprise to the 2 of you that read this blog that I train a lot for running, and enjoy racing.  Furthermore, those in the know are also aware that I'm recently divorced.  It also probably won't come as a surprise that while I'm writing this I'm also watching MMA, tonight it's The Ultimate Fighter: Brazil.  None of those things have anything in common, and only one of those things is relevant to my meandering self-indulgent rant for the evening.

What's over there?!?!

In December I ran the Rock 'N Roll Las Vegas half marathon, and I had a great race.  I set a new personal best and had a blast.  That's not the point.  During the race, about 3 miles from the end, I started having pain in both knees.  I powered through, and was able to finish strong, but for a couple days after my knees were wrecked.  I had a race the next weekend, because I'm an idiot, and ran a 12k with a few friends.  That's roughly 7 miles, and for the first mile I felt fine.  It was all down hill after that.  I finished ok, but had the Rock 'N Roll Phoenix coming up in a few weeks.  I took a week off and tried to train through the pain as much as I could.  I'm pretty sure I've told this story before.

Like this, but way less sexy.

So the Phoenix race sucked, and my knee was trashed afterward.  I spent about a month doing my cardio in the pool, or on the bike.  The daily pain finally subsided, so I went to try a field workout for crosstraining, and I sprained my left arch.  Not my ankle, or my toe, my fucking arch.  It was at this point I realized I'd been bitten by the injury bug.  Just because I realized it didn't mean it was over.  When my foot finally felt better, I tried to ease back into running and my knee flared up again.  What's worse, this particular strain is a contagious little fucker.  Since I've been up and down, I have 2 regular running/training buddies that have gone down with major illness, minor surgery (of course, it's only minor when it's not happening to you), another knee injury, an ankle injury, and most recently, a low grade flu.  This doesn't even count just regular friends and family dealing with a pulled back, sore ankles, a partially torn retina, another sprained ankle, and I think that might be all.

This is how me and my crew roll

Everyone but myself didn't start having problems until after the new year, so I can't help but think of myself as the typhoid Mary of this little trainwreck we're all involved in.  But wait! There's more!  To say I've been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few months would be a massive understatement.  My marriage started falling apart in late July/early August, and the dominoes that are my friend's lives began to fall in short order.  I'm not blaming myself, but I think maybe I was a catalyst, or to make it sound awesome, an agent of change.

The picture here was way more awesome in my mind.

Out of respect for my friends, details on what's happened and to whom will stay anonymous. I've vacillated between dizzying highs and insanely low lows.  It's been a learning experience, I've had to get used to the idea that not everyone is sick of my bullshit (yet), and I do still have people who care.  What's more, I'm coming to peace with the fact that I'm not alone, my friends have been going through their own personal shit, and sometimes I need to get my head out of my ass and remember that.  I'm by no means over my depressed phase, that shit bounces around like a goddamn bumble ball.

But I'm realizing I'm depressed instead of just lashing out at people.  Fuck you! That counts as progress! i've got a long road to hoe (hehe) but, to quote the Beatles, "I am the walrus, goo goo gachoo".  No, wait, I mean "I get by with a little help from my friends.  I also realize that this little exercise is more self fellating than usual lately, and I promise, someday soon I'll get back to dick jokes and bad Futurama references that only 1/2 of you get.  That's one person for those of you keeping score at home.  I can't even remember the last time I talked about something funny, but that's because sharks don't look back. 

My Boneitis!

Since I've been whiny and depressing for the better part of this mess, and even more so because it's finally back and if you don't like it tough shit, I give you the new undercover from AVclub. 

Punch Brothers cover The Cars

Solid, no?  I recommend checking out the rest in your own time.  Thanks for reading, and mom, don't worry I'm fine.  There, that's half my readership.  If anyone who's actually put up with me through all this reads this, thank you.  Also, sorry about the swearing (not really, you should know by now).  The moral of this story was "fuck you, injury bug" and I am hoping it's one of those things where by acknowledging it you can defeat it.  I think that got lost somewhere in the middle.

Fuck You Enterprise Rent-a-Car

When I started this exercise in vanity, I said it was going to be a weekly endeavor.  Hence the title.  As time has gone by and life decided to start treating me like its own personal hacky sack, this has taken a back seat to more important things like drinking beer and avoiding my emotions.  Seems like every month has been a new and incredibly annoying set of difficulties.  February's clusterfuck involved my goddamn car.

more or less my car last month.

I drive a Saab, which sounds like a good thing.  Foreign, good looking, turbo, all words associated with Saab, usually in a positive manner.  From experience, I can tell you that exactly one of those adjectives is a good thing. The damn thing was idling rough for a couple of days, so I took it to my usual repair shop to see what the fuck was going on and get the oil changed.  The guys run a diagnostic and find that there's a problem with a vacuum hose and there's a problem with the mass airflow sensor.  Namely, the fucking thing didn't work anymore.

Get a fucking job!!!

So since a car needs one of those to run without fucking up the engine, and Saab parts are only shipped directly from the outer reaches of the crab nebula, it would be five days before they had the part to fix my damn car.  As such, I was forced to rent a car.  After doing my due diligence and researching prices and availability from a rental place near home and work, I settled on Enterprise.  They provided me with a car and I went about my business as usual.  The day before my car was supposed to be done, I jumped in my rental and noticed the motherfucking rental had a long ass crack in the windshield. Once I noticed, my first thought was "shit, Enterprise is going to find a way to fuck me on this."  Little did I know how right I'd be.

...then bend you over and ruin your day!

When my car is finally ready I head to the Enterprise to drop off the rental and go get my car.  I let them know about the crack, and tell them I have a $0 glass deductible on my insurance policy.  I call my insurance and get a claim started, but before I can go get my car, they tell me that they have to charge me $250 that will be reimbursed when they are reimbursed by my insurance company.  I say I understand and proceed to get my car from the shop.  They seem to have done a great job and everything is working fine.  But don't get me started on the new random shit that's going wrong with my car.  That's a whole other blog post.  Anyway, I keep track of the claim with my insurance company, and get nothing in return from Enterprise.  I send an email to their claims line, and get no response.  Not even a fucking courtesy "we received your email" auto return.  Finally, last Monday I received a check in the mail for $41.  That's not a fucking typo.  The asshats kept $209 of my dollars when I have a $0 glass deductible.  After multiple calls I finally got a response and they told me the refund would have to come from my insurance.  I'm still waiting to hear back about what the fuck happened to my money, but I assure you that tomorrow someone at Enterprise is getting a tongue lashing (and not the good kind) if I don't get a response about my fucking money.

Yep, more like that.

The end of the story is yet to be resolved, but that helps let you know about the comedy of errors that has been my life for the last several months.  Wait, comedy is supposed to be funny, I guess that means my life is just an error.  Wow, that's way more depressing.  I guess I'll wait to hear from the 3 people who actually read this to find out if it's funny, and then we can make a decision.

Rage in the Cage

Ironically, this is not a blog about the Rage in the Cage MMA promotion, but it IS going to talk about cage fighting.  As has become a tradition when I have nothing better than watching fighting on the TV while everyone else is out enjoying themselves, I will be watching MMA and bitching about whatever pops into my head.

Not Bitchin', bitching.

Tonight's feature is UFC on FX.  I mentioned it a while back, but the UFC and the Fox networks have a new agreement that leads to WAY more fights being on my television and making for a very happy fight fan.  Now, as all 3 of you who read this on a regular basis know, I watch way too much fighting and I do way too much running.  Last weekend my 2 passions intersected and left me on the horns of a dilemma.

Yep, just like that.

Last Saturday was UFC Rio featuring a crapload of Brazilian fighters teeing off against mostly American fighters.  Now, I know most of you are probably saying "Hey, enough about the fighting already! I come here for the funny pictures and dick jokes."  And you're right, normally on a Saturday I'm more than happy to hit up Buffalo Wild Wings and watch dudes pummel each other until my eyes bleed, but last weekend I was also running in the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 marathon on Sunday.  And I had to be there at the ass crack of dawn to run 13.1 miles.

Yep, that one.

Since I had an early morning and the fights were live from Brazil, of course they were an hour later than usual. This brings me to the dilemma.  Go out, watch fights, drink beer and have fun?  Or go home, be responsible, and be ready to run the race?  Naturally my reaction was to try to split the difference.  I hit the bar for the fights and promised I'd take it easy on the junk food and beer, and for the most part I succeeded.  Eating a burger topped with pulled pork counts as taking it easy, right?  (Also 6 wings) But the way I see it, I needed the calories.  Also, shut up.  I did manage to take it easy on the beer, I only had 2 over the course of the show.  For all intents and purposes, this was a successful night.  I was in bed by 10:30 and up in plenty of time to make the race.  I felt great race day in spite of the fact that I was nursing knee injuries from the Vegas 1/2 marathon in December and couldn't have been happier that I got to see Edson Barboza deliver one of the most brutal head kick knockouts I've ever seen, and I got to see Jose Aldo demolish Chad Mendes with a knee.

Pictured: Me, somewhere

As the race starts, I feel great.  My knees are feeling solid, my pace is good, and I'm maintaining what I expect of myself.  About 2 miles in, everything starts to go to shit.  I have to piss like a pregnant lady, my knees are hurting like I'm Nancy Kerrigan in 1994.  I just compared myself to women, and I stand by that comparison.  Don't judge me.

Quick sidebar, Josh Neer has a head full of concrete.  In a good way.  I'm pretty sure he has Homer Simpson Syndrome.  He just got punched in the head and looked like he was about to get knocked out only to rally and choke Duane "Bang" Ludwig unconscious.

Josh Neer's xray.

Back to the race.  I stopped to take a leak, got back on the road, and tried to tough out the knee pain.  I worked through and managed to maintain a pace to finish under 2 hours.  A little behind what I wanted but still respectable.  Somewhere around mile 9, the pain went from "meh" to 'HOLY SHIT STOP STABBING ME IN THE KNEES!" and I had to swallow my pride and walk.  For roughly 3 or 4 miles I alternated running (poorly) and walking (also poorly).  The only bright spot of the end of the race is that I was able to suck it up and force myself to kick for the last 2/10 of a mile.  For those of you unfamiliar with racing, a kick is where you unload everything you have left in your body in an effort to finish with a better time.  I sprinted hard during my kick and passed several people who had passed me at my lowest point, and finished in around 2 hours 5 minutes.  I can't say I'm happy with that time, but all things considered, it could have been worse.  My real frustration is that in December I had a personal best and this month I had a personal worst.  I'm proud of myself for not quitting, but dammit, it sure would have been nice to run the entire thing.  At the finish line, I got my free beer, rested, stretched, and limped my ass to the light rail train after meeting a friend who had a diametric opposite race in the full marathon.

Aaaannnnddd, that's the story of last weekend.  I limped around the rest of the day, shopping for groceries and that's about it.  I just accidentally started watching Dragonball: Evolution.  What a piece of shit!  Seriously, I'm pretty sure I've left better movies in the toilet.  The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm going to stick it out and see what happens.  I'm a glutton for punishment!

Return of the Rage

Oh, hello.  I didn't see you standing there, looking at me with that longing in your eyes.  Reminding me how badly you've been neglected.  I'm sorry baby, it's just that...things have been hectic lately.  I didn't mean to ignore you, and I promise things will be better this time around.

...That may not have been appropriate.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's been a long time since I've updated this shitshow.  I have my reasons, but goddamn it, they're none of your business, internet.  Suffice to say, I'm really fucking happy that it's no longer 2011.  I sit here watching Strikeforce, drinking a beer like so many blogs I've written before.  But as I always say, sharks don't look back because sharks don't have necks.

Boom, callback.

It's in that spirit of 80's ness that I resubmit for your casual dismissal, The Week in Rage.  Your favorite (?) semi-weekly rambling regarding whatever the hell happens to be passing through my mind as I sit around bored on a weekend evening.  Now, since I'm going out a lot more on weekends the only thing I can promise regarding this relaunch is that it will be even more sporadic and even less coherent.  Have you ever tried blogging while high on synthetic weed?  Me neither, but this guy has, and it doesn't sound pretty.  What was I talking about again?  Ah, yes.  Futurama!  Since my...sabbatical from this blog, a lot of good tv has come and gone.  I think at some point I wrote about tv, but I have since re-evaluated whatever stance I had on it at the time and now I think it's awesome.  No one cares what tv shows I like, but fuck you because I'm writing this so you're going to listen to EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY!

Ahem.  Anyway, allow me to give you my short list of shows you should watch if you don't want to suck in 2012.  These are in no particular order, just whatever happens to pop into my head.

30 Rock
Great writing, very funny, Alec Baldwin.  The only 3 things you need to know about it, and it's still solid!

Community
Probably gonna get cancelled soon, so catch it while you can.  Additionally, Donald Glover is on it, and he's Childish Gambino.  If you don't like Childish Gambino, I don't know if we can be friends.

Justified
FX, so they can say "shit" and it's well acted and fantastically scripted so that helps too.  Federal agent fights crime in the deep south where he grew up.

Archer
Duh.

The Walking Dead
Not always good, but when it's good it's awesome.

Boardwalk Empire
Holy shit, if you didn't see the end of last season, finish watching it so we can talk about it!

American Dad
Pretty much the only good reason to keep watching Fox cartoons at this point.  And this is coming from a massive Simpsons fan.

Futurama
See above

The Venture Brothers
One of the most consistently funny, smart shows I've ever seen.  Even better, it's a show that doesn't forget everything it said in the last episode.  Their sense of history is second to none.

Parks and Recreation
There's not a character on the show that I don't like.  That's hard to do.

Game of Thrones
They built the standard very high, it'll be interesting to see if they can maintain the level of quality.

Louie
It's not always funny, but it's always fantastic.

Breaking Bad
Do I even need to explain this one?

Homeland
The best new show of last year.  Amazing acting, seat gripping plotting.

The League
Hilarious, disgusting, very fun.  I'm new to this one and couldn't be happier a friend turned me onto it.

Beavis and Butt-Head
A classic reborn!  It's more the same than ever, but in a good way.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
There's no one I like watching more that I'd like less in real life.

I'm sure I forgot like a million other shows that I love, but you know what?  I think that's a good thing.  That means there's actually stuff worth watching on! Punctuation marks.!?  You know what I think is missing from the common usage?  The interrobang.  I don't have one on my keyboard do you?!  (By the way, this is an interrobang)

It basically means "Whaaaa!?!?!"

Now for the least graceful transition ever, I've been running a lot lately, averaging 2 races per month of various distances.  I've also been to Austin, TX, Kona, HI, Las Vegas, NV, and Santa Fe, NM in the past 3 months.  Needless to say I've been busy.  I posted a personal best in Vegas on a half marathon, and I have another half next week (which I'll be lucky to finish in less than 2 1/2 hours).  The hard thing for me about being a runner is how much I love doing stuff that hurts my running.  I love beer, I love eating, I love tv, I'm basically a pop culture maven.

pictured: me if I ever stop running

The main thing that keeps me running is that it keeps me feeling consistently good, while all that other stuff only makes me feel good for short periods of time.  The sense of accomplishment and the endorphin rush I get from a long run is more or less incomparable.  At least in terms of things you can do alone.

I guess the fact that I've been staring at the screen with nothing else to type for like 15 minutes means that's the end of this blog.  Thanks for actually getting to this part.  I don't know why I actually do this thing, to be honest.  Every time I check my stats and I have pageviews I'm surprised.  I think I'm just doing this to get the shit in my head out and on a page.  No one wants to hear this and if I have a conversation about it I have to listen to conflicting viewpoints.  Who wants to do that (interrobang goes here)

Fuck you, Larry Merchant

As has become the norm while I type this self indulgent nonsense, I'm spending another Saturday night watching men beat the everloving crap out of one another while I have a beer.

Pictured:  My typical Saturday night

Tonight we're running a double feature, HBO's Boxing After Dark and Bellator 46.  By the way, as I'm watching BAD first, the intro to this show is now some ridiculous short form movie that's somewhat reminiscent of Rocky III only without the pathos.

What the BAD intro is missing, apparently.  What the fuck, Google?

Anyway, did you know that walking corpse Larry Merchant is not only still alive, but is still providing rambling incoherent commentary and poorly thought out post fight interviews?  This, in my humble opinion, is the greatest crime against humanity since the Rape of Nanking.

Notice the lack of soul in his eyes.  He's smiling because he just drowned a kitten.

  Wikipedia tells us that this incompetent old douche was born in 1931, meaning that at present, the human stain is 80 FUCKING YEARS OLD!  No wonder he doesn't make sense half the time and the other half he's busy shitting himself.  He literally just called the state of Missouri fat.  His conception of race relations is as stunted as Peter Dinklage.

Get it!  Seriously though, watch Game of Thrones, he's awesome.

Oscar de la Hoya asked for this old bastard to be fired for talking shit about mariachi music.  Considering the fact that about 90% of the global boxing audience is Hispanic, this might have been a bad move.  The Grand Wizard must have invoked his dark master, because not only did he save his job, but he got a contract extension in 2005 to go through 2007.  On top of that, HBO picked up his contract option for multiple years after that.  He's so bad at commentating that he forgets that he's talking halfway through the statement.  The only thing he slanders worse than minorities is the english language.  If Jim Lampley has to carry his corpse any further, he's going to qualify for workman's comp.  He literally tried to just use the weather to draw an analogy that was so bad that I think Roy Jones Jr. just caught cancer from it.  He's bad, is what I'm trying to say.

The only explanation I have for this atrocity is that HBO is operating under the "there's no such thing as bad press" philosophy, because there's no goddamn way I'm the only person who thinks Larry Merchant is about 35 years past his prime.

I've gotta tell you, it feels like I've vented about all this shit before, but you know the motto by now:

Safety Dance!

I don't read my own work, so if this is a rerun, my bad.  Although it could just be that I've bitched about this to anyone who I watch boxing with to the point that this feels familiar to me.  Astonishingly, Merchant sounds a little more lucid than normal tonight.  Remember, lucid doesn't mean sane, I still think he's in his own reality.  You know what's awesome about how far television technology has come?  watching fight highlights in slow motion.  They just slowed a combo in slow motion that made a dude's face look like a shar pei shaking.

Yep, just like that but with more sweat and less cuteness.

Digital video has made it so you can capture those incredibly small moments in time in incredible detail.  Everything from a batter hitting a ball, to a knock out punch can now be analyzed by the millisecond without any loss in fidelity because you're not constrained by framerate.  What a fantastic and frivolous use of technology.  God bless America.

I think I just figured it out.  Larry Merchant is the Larry King of boxing.  Neither knew when to hang it up, and they waited until they were so out of touch that someone else had to say "I think you should spend more time with your family".

Hey, here's some cool shit I think people should check out.  First up is something AVClub linked on their page:

shortly after learning about that, a friend directed me to this:

Also, as part of my ongoing effort to expand the mindshare of AVClub's Undercover project, here are 3 of the best, that also happen to be 3 of the most recent.  Surfer Blood's cover of the Pixies is particularly good.


Parts & Labor covers Kanye West


Surfer Blood covers The Pixies


...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead covers Indigo Girls

If the video isn't above, click the link and give those struggling bastards some love.  Indie rock still is alive and well and it needs your support!

Who wants some of this?

Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to another night spent with 2 of my friends.  Beer and physical violence.  That's right, it's time for another Strikeforce-based, self indulgent ramblefest wherein I bore the bejesus out of anyone that bothered to read this that doesn't follow MMA.  Tonight, your main event will be this guy:

Alistair Overeem, AKA the Demolition Man

Versus this guy:

Fabricio "Excuse my Junk" Werdum

This is a rematch from 2006 where Werdum surprisingly submitted Overeem with a Kimura and it is also part of the Strikeforce world heavyweight grand prix, which means nothing.  Lots of good fights on this card, so let's get the ball rolling with a battle between this guy:

Pictured: professional fighter, amateur douche Chad Griggs

And this guy:

Valentijn "the second most famous" Overeem

That's right, there are brothers on this card.  I don't think that matters at all, it's not like they're fighting each other.  Now that would be cool.  Talk about a blood feud!

Now if there's one thing I learned from the last time I did this, it's to not bother to write all the action.  It's not like you're reading this to get a play by play.  If you wanted that you'd go to Bloodyelbow.com or Sherdog.com or buy a Showtime subscription.  Hey, while I was typing that, Griggs mobbed on Overeem and got a stoppage by the ref, even though it was a pretty lame stoppage.  Overeem pretended he was a turtle, got hit in the face and decided to tap out.  The announcers are questioning his heart for tapping out from strikes, but I gotta tell you, I'd probably tap out as soon as I got punched.  Although to be fair, I'm a pussy and that's why I don't fight MMA for a living.

Moving along to our next fight, we are now pending a match up between this guy:

2 time olympian Daniel Cormier

versus this guy:

Jeff "the Snowman" Monson.  Seriously, that's his nickname.  Like he's fucking Frosty or something.

So, Daniel Cormier is an Olympic caliber wrestler, but he's fighting probably 20 pounds heavier than he should.  He's undefeated in MMA and that's pretty much just because he can throw dudes around like they're nothing.  Monson has like 60 fights, so this should be interesting.  One thing I've been noticing in the last few MMA events I've watched is that people are simultaneously forgetting all about leg kicks and using them a lot.  It's pretty fantastic, because when they are employed, they are now devastating instead of just annoying.  So as I watch the best televised sport, I can't help but remember that this weekend they are also showing the worst televised sport.  Golf.  Seriously, what the fuck?  Who watches that?  The only good thing about televised golf is if you have insomnia, at least you can save some money on Ambien.  How the shit is that televised on a regular basis?  I mean, for the love of God, it has it's own channel!  There are some great human stories in the golf world, especially how Lefty has battled back from crippling arthritis to be relevant again, not to mention his wife's breast cancer, and his mom's.  Also I think his kid is autistic.  How much shit can one man deal with?  Apparently it's a lot.  Anyway, yes he's a great story, but I still think he's getting paid way to much to chase a ball.  I'd rather watch college baseball than golf (and I have this weekend, much to my chagrin).  If they could hit each other with their clubs, then you might have a sport.  I mean shit, you can't even cough in a guy's backswing without it being a controversy.  Let's make it more like an NBA freethrow, where everyone is allowed to try to distract you, at least then you'd be separating the men from the boys.  Hey, I almost forgot there's a fight on and Cormier has Monson in trouble.  It's not enough trouble to finish the fight but it's been better than nothing.  All in all, this has been a pretty good performance for Cormier.  He's a wrestler by trade, but he dominated the fight with his control standing and striking.  To Monson's credit, he almost never looked like he was in danger of getting knocked out, but he was also never in danger of winning.

Wow, run on paragraph much?  Whatever, it's not like you came here for grammar.  I've got Cormier winning that fight 30-27 by the way.  Judges agreed with me, so there.

Up next, fight number 3 of 5.  This guy:

KJ Noons.  No jokes, there's nothing funny about him. 

Versus this guy:

Jorge "Gamebred" Masvidal.  He makes all us hispanics look bad in that picture.

This should be a good fight from a standup perspective.  KJ Noons has a lot of pro boxing experience and Masvidal straight up doesn't give a fuck.  I recently read a great theory on rooting for teams that I'm going to apply to this fight.  The basis is that if you don't have a preference in the fight/game, you root for the underdog.  If you're there in person, you root for the home team.  The only exception is the Doug Williams exception: if your team isn't playing, you root for the black quarterback.  I'm extending that a little further since I'm a minority and I'm rooting for the beaner.  You know what I just learned that's kind of fucked up?  Blogger doesn't recognize racial slurs as something that should be flagged by the spell checker.  On the plus side, apparently I spelled Beaner right.

The good news is that my default pony in this race just kicked the shit out of KJ Noons.  Noons is bleeding like he got stabbed in the head, and also he almost had the fight stopped after a head kick and some brutal ground and pound.  The bad news is that Noons survived and we are now in round 2.  Looks like Noons has a hematoma growing on his face, and he can't stop a takedown to save his life.  I've met hookers who spend less time on their backs (ZING!).

Noon's hematoma is making him look like Hellboy.  Red with a budding forehead.  Seriously, that thing is nasty.  It's kinda like another head is trying to grow out of his forehead.  You know that dude in Total Recall with the little guy growing out of his side?

Yeah, that one. 

Like that, only on his head.  Somehow he made it all 3 rounds.  Masvidal still kicked his ass 30-27.  Once again, the judges and I agree.

We move on to our co-main event of the evening!  This is also part of the Strikeforce Heavyweight World Grand Prix!  This guy:

Josh "the Babyfaced Assassin" Barnett.  Tested positive for steroids twice.

Versus this guy:

Brett "the Grimm" Rogers.  I'm not sure if he thinks he's gonna tell fucked up fairy tales to his opponents or what, but that's his nickname.

Just a fun fact, Barnett takes professional wrestling matches in Japan a lot of the time.  As in the Japanese equivalent of WWE professional wrestling.  I'm not judging, I just find that funny.  On the complete opposite side of the coin, Brett Rogers used to work at a Sam's Club tire center.  Go blue collar guy!

Never mind.  He lost in the second round by arm triangle choke.  OH WELL!  On to the main event.  I already told you who was going to be in the main event, so here's some background:

Alistair Overeem is HIGHLY suspected of using 'roids since he's moved up from light heavyweight (205lb limit) to heavyweight (265lb limit) but he's never tested positive, and he's still winning everything.  He's won kickboxing tournaments, he's won MMA tournaments and belts and he's pretty much a badass, giant, scary Dutchman.

Fabricio Werdum is the first man to legitimately defeat Fedor Emilianenko, and he did it with a slick ass triangle choke.  He's won most of the highest level submission wrestling competitions available, and he's already beaten Overeem once.

Using the above defined decision tree about who to root for, I'm for Werdum.  That being said, I clearly think that Overeem is going to win but I'm pulling for the underdog.

Wow, that fight was pretty boring.  Overeem was pretty clearly with winner, but it wasn't what I've come to expect from Overeem.  Werdum kept pulling guard and not doing anywhere near enough to win the fight.  Oh well, it was still a fun night of fights.  Thanks for reading this nonsense and all the Dads out there have a Happy Father's Day!!!!!