Holy crap,I don't know what that was all about. I think it's fair to say it's been a little while since I wrote anything on here, but you know what? It's not like I get paid for this shit. Although, if you know of anyone looking to get they're name out there I'm happy to shill for just about anyone. Club baby seals? Who am I to judge? I hear those guys are fuckers and if you pay me I'll tell you exactly why.
I mean look at that thing up there. You know what that face says? Stone cold murderer. My point is that expectations for this thing should be nil. It's free entertainment for you, and weekend homework for me. So welcome back dear readers, I missed you too.
You know what's been pissing me off for a couple weeks? Oatmeal. Who the shit decided that oatmeal was a good thing to eat? It looks and feels just like it tastes, gray. I'm pretty sure someone with too much time on they're hands was in the barn watching their horses eat and, because they hated themselves, said "I think I'm going to try eating anything this giant smelly bastard crams in it's long, stupid face." And after realizing raw oats suck the moisture out of your body faster than Jenna Jameson, decided to try boiling the shit out of them.
so, the problem with oatmeal is really, that it serves a purpose. In spite of how much I hate it, I eat the damn wallpaper paste nearly weekly. Why do I torture myself like that guy in The DaVinci Code?
Because it works. I try to think of it as fuel. Oatmeal is like high octane racing fuel, and a delicious plate of bacon is like leaded gasoline. Sure, you can put either in your car, but one will gum up the works and eventually ruin your engine, but the other will help you run cleaner and improve your fuel economy. That's what really posses me off the most. As much as I hate it, I've had a god awful symbiotic relationship with it for over ten years. I blame my mom for cooking it for me my senior year when I was playing football. The first game of the season she made me oatmeal before the game and I played great. I kept up the tortuous routine the rest of the season and ended up making all district. I'm not saying it was the oatmeal, but athletics tend to be superstitious, and I bought into it that season. I'm pretty sure I have mentioned my depressing slowness in this self indulgent tripe in the past, but if I haven't, the below picture is a good idea of how slow I have always been
In spite of the fact that you could have timed my 40 yard dash with a calendar, I took up running a few years ago, and after my wife ran a half marathon, I decided I would too. My good friend Jaime helped me train and kept me eating the bane of my existence, and as a result, I posted a 1:42:52 in my first half marathon. Obviously, all the training is what put me in the position to make that happen but he oatmeal is what gave me the fuel. Remember the end of Back to the Future 3 when they use the special logs to make the train go fast? It's kind of like that only it tastes like crap. The moral of the story is fuck oatmeal, unless you have a race or game that day.
